Venting your anger may be making you angrier

In the fun book You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself, the author shares some of the work of psychologist Brad Bushman from Iowa State University. Bushman explored how venting your anger and revenge help us deal with our anger. He discovered that the idea of "venting" is not helping anyone do anything except become angrier. Here is the study from the book.

One group read a fake article about how helpful "venting" is, one group read a fake article about how pointless "venting" was and the third group read a neutral article. 

It is no doubt that Samantha Bee is comic genius, however in light of Bushman's work it makes me consider the role of cathartic comedy in culture. 

After reading, participants were asked to write an essay for/against abortion. Participants were told their essays were then assessed by other students when in fact they were not. Participants got their essays back and 1/2 of the participants were told their essay was great and the other 1/2 were told their paper was "on of the worst essays I have ever read." 

Those who got a negative response to their essay were then broken into two groups. Half of the group was asked to punch a bag, the other half were told to sit and wait for two minutes. Then they each played a game to see who could press a button first. The loser of the game would get a sound in their ears and the winner would be able to set the volume of the sound (between 0 and 10; 10 being 105 decibels, about the volume of a motorcycle). Participants were told they were playing this game against the person who graded their paper so negatively. 

On average those who punched the bag before the game set the volume at 8.5, while the sit still for two minute group set it at 2.47! The author points out, "The people who got angry did not release their anger on the punching bag - their anger was sustained by it. The group that cooled off lost their desire for vengeance."

If you believe that punching the system in the nose will teach the system a lesson or throwing punches is cathartic, chances are you will just be angrier. There is a place for anger to be sure, but it perhaps is best to feel the full force of that anger by sitting with it for a moment - so that the anger passes with the silence.

"Mystery isn't something that you cannot understand..."

The conversations in and around the denomination that I serve (United Methodist) are complex and, at times, frustrating. I expect that 7 billion people will have different conclusions/positions on the issues of the day. I was prepared for that since the times I would be in an argument with my brother as a child who each saw "what happened to the lamp" much differently (no matter what you hear, I did not throw the ball!) What throws me off is the relationship to mystery that we have. 

As a teenager, I came across a VHS tape of the cult classic movie "Clue". The 1980's were bold. If you are among the odd people who, like me, has seen this movie you may recall there is not an ending to the movie. For those who have not seen the movie, I should clarify - it has more than one ending. Like I said, bold.

left to right: Miss Scarlet (Lesley Ann Warren), Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull), Mrs. White (Madeline Kahn), Mr. Green (Michael McKean), Wadsworth (Tim Curry), Professor Plum (Christopher Lloyd), and Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan)

The end of "Clue" is what you might call a mystery - the irony is not lost on the filmmakers that a 'who done it" movie leaves you wondering "who did done it?" It is not a mystery because you don't know the end but it is a mystery because there is more than one ending. 

(Insert smooth pivot and classy theological language here so the reader makes the transition from a weird movie to spiritual formation...) 

Richard Rohr's book, Divine Dance: The Trinity and Your Transformation, has a great little line near the beginning of the book about mystery:

"Remember, mystery isn't something that you cannot understand - it is something that you can endlessly understand! There is no point at which you can say, "I've got it." Always and forever, mystery gets you!"

Part of why so many people are captured by the movie and board game of "Clue" is the mystery. It is not the one answer, but the endless answers to the question of "who done it?" that draw people in until it "gets you!"

(Head nod to the reader that they are smart enough to see how this relates to God.)

To my fellow sisters and brothers in my believed UMC, let us remember that God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are mystery not because we cannot understand them but because we can endlessly understand them! There is not one interpretation of scripture that is "it". There is not one version of the Bible that is "it".

My heart aches not when we disagree but when we reduce a mystery to something that we cannot know and thus become content with the first answer that "feels right."

There is more than one ending to this story.

You Are Telling Your Story Wrong

Being able to tell others your story is of who you are and where you come from is a standard human exercise. We tell our stories when we are dating someone or even applying for a job. The more I listen to people the more it is clear to me that people are amazing, but are really not very good at telling their stories. 

Stringing a collection of events together in a chronological order is not telling your story, it is giving a personal resume. Resumes are nice and all, but they are not your story. 

Recently I sat with three other clergy friends and we each shared our stories. As I listened to each of them share, it is clear to me that these guys are preachers - they can tell their story as a story and not a resume. Here is what I mean.

Your story is more than a collection of snapshots...

When you tell your story, you need to remember that you will be leaving many parts of your life out. It it not possible to share your many years of experiences and how they shaped you in anytime less than the number of years it took you to live them. Since every story you share about yourself is a bit reductionist, you need to pick a strand of your experience. For instance, you may pick the strand that you are a person who has always sought others approval or perhaps you are a person who never feels comfortable in your skin. 

Once you have that strand, share individual episodes from your life that give that strengthen that strand. Tell the time you dated someone just because your friends like them. Or how you generally take a couple of deep breathes before going into a room just to remind yourself that you belong.

As the strand is made stronger, then you are able to share a time or two when you acted differently than you have been sharing. Tell the time you told your friends to shove it or when you stood in front of the crowd and sang karaoke. These "counter examples" layer the complexity of who you are to the listener so they know you are not one dimensional.  

These little approaches to sharing your story not only are more disciplined but they are also more engaging to listen to thus creating changes to ask further questions. As questions are asked your story is now a conversation which you can invite the others to share their story. 

The next time you are in a conversation and someone asks "who are you?" I invite you not to share a resume. Share your story. You are more than just a collection of events. You are a beautiful beloved child of God with more complexity and layers that you are overlooking by just sharing events.