Recently Loyd Allen shared with a group of people I was with three simple lines that helped visualize the trap I feel caught in. I remade it google docs and embedded it below:

Generally speaking, I feel that the level of expectations that are placed upon me are at the red level. I feel like I am supposed to know all things theologically, have profound knowledge of the Bible, have visited every one in the church in their home and can share with anyone who asks about the status of everyone else, run the business side of the church, ensure we make our apportionment contributions, manage staff who each have their own expectations, give the best damn sermons that are engaging and thought provoking, model healthy family life and spiritual formation, give clear vision to every aspect of the church, attend city council/chamber/social club of your choice meetings, keep a rule of life, and be clean shaven at all times. My level of expectations is at the red level.

In order to get to the red level I work at the grey level. Which is never enough for myself or others because the expectations are at the red level. So I am always letting a good number of people down at least some of the time.

But what I can really do and maintain my own healthy boundaries is at the black level. If I really worked at the black level I would probably feel like I am lazy and others in the church would become even angrier at how far I am from the red level of expectations.

We all expect too much from one another. We all expect red from people. We all need black. And grey makes me feel "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Can we just admit that most of the time we are all working in the grey, expect the red and dismiss the black level? Can we also admit this is unhealthy? Can we be the change to live more black and less red/grey?