The Real Problem of Thanksgiving Conversation

There will be countless articles and hot takes given on how to “survive” Thanksgiving table conversation. We know the unwritten but often expressed rules of Thanksgiving conversation:

1. No Politics

2. No Religion

3. No past hurts

4. Keep it light and happy

5. If you cannot do these things, eat another slice of pie

These rules are fine and I am sure they serve a purpose in many households. The real problem of Thanksgiving conversation is that there are many rules for talking but none for listening.

There are no rules, spoken or unspoken, about how we are to listen at Thanksgiving. No one to tell us that one of the greatest acts of love we can do for another is to listen to them. If we give thanks for anyone in our lives, then the act of listening matters.

One rule for better listening at Thanksgiving is what we might call the two hand rule. The two hand rule is simply this: When you hand someone something at Thanksgiving, use two hands.

When we hand someone using only one hand we do not have to look at that person. We can still engage in our own world and not even pay attention to the person we are handing things to. We can pass the potatoes while looking at the turkey coming down the row. The ways we hand things to people often mirrors how we listen to them.

The two hand rule results in physically turning your body to face and see the other person you are handing things to. You have to look at them. You have to see them. You have to face them. It is much harder to say things that are hurtful to someone you are looking directly in the face. If there has to be rules Thanksgiving conversation, maybe we could offer up this list:

1. Face one another

2. Share a meal

3. Use two hands

4. Keep it meaning and memorable

5. If you cannot do these things, eat another slice of pie

Church Meetings as Ritual - not Rubber Stamps

Church meetings can be a drag. Oftentimes the critique is that Church meetings are more a rubber stamp than anything. The implication is that rubber stamps are not a very meaningful use of time. People show up and the decisions have already been made and so the official/final vote at the meeting is a "rubber stamp."

What I would offer up is that many of the most significant times in our lives look on the surface like rubber stamps, but we know that they are not. 

For instance, a wedding. The ones being married have already made the decision to get married. They have already planned and made hundreds of little decisions that brought them to the wedding day. The wedding ceremony is very choreographed where every question asked at the "meeting" is already decided. We do not see the wedding as a rubber stamp because we know the wedding is a ritual.

Photo by Hannes Wolf on Unsplash

Baptisms are the same way. This sacrament is a ritualizing of a series of decisions that have already been made. The ritual is there to not only formalize but to proclaim that in fact the work of God happens before our work and that what we do in in response to God's work. Again, on the surface baptisms can look like rubber stamps, but we do not think of them as such.

I want to offer up to those who view meetings as rubber stamps to see Church meetings as rituals - not rubber stamps. If you are disappointed or frustrated that your voice was not heard at the meeting, then we know that our relationships with the leadership needs to be worked on. And perhaps we know this and this is why we are prone to see meetings as rubber stamps but not weddings. We have a relationship with the couple getting married but not always with the people leading the meeting. 

The next time you are leading or attending a Church meeting, consider approaching the meeting as a ritual. It may be easier to see everyone in the meeting in the same light we see everyone at a wedding (beloved) when we approach the meeting as a ritual. 

Identity Theft? How About Identity Loss

Identity theft is real and causes a tom of damage to people's lives that can take years to straighten out. As such, and rightly so, identity theft gets a lot of press coverage. And as common as identity theft may be identity loss may be just as common. 

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Identity loss is that thing that happens when we identify as someone but then, due to many and varied reasons, we no longer do/can. This happens to us throughout our lives, like when we move from one job to another and you now identify as "the boss". It also happens at all ages, like when a child moves through grade school and no longer identifies as the "big kids". It can happen very suddenly, like when a child is born and you no longer identify as single. It can also happen gradually, like when you realize that you no longer are the one everyone seeks advise from.

When one is a victim of identity theft, there are a number of people who can help you recover lost money or property. A credit card company can cancel the transaction, the bank can track the check, the website will issue new passwords, government can track down thieves, insurance can cover the loss, etc. 

When we experience identity loss, often times we are on our own. We just have to feel our way into a new identity, like when a child dies and we no longer identify as the "parent of ...". We have to just "suck it up" that things are different now when we are fired and we are not "employee". We have to quickly "get over it" when our team moves and we no longer identify as a "Brooklyn Dodger fan". There can be social stigma around the middle aged man who dates younger women or the middle aged woman who dresses like a twenty year old might neither who are able to let go of an identity. We do not know what to do when we are no longer identified as a "leader". We do not know what to do when after an accident and we are no longer able to identify as a "soccer player".  

I believe this is in part why the Church is needed in the world. Church has rituals that help when we suffer from some forms of identity loss. This is why weddings, funerals, baptisms, singing, corporate worship and other rituals and practices of the Church matter. We use ritual to grieve the identity loss so that we can explore and embrace a new identity. 

Additionally, the Church is the place that says that you have an identity that cannot be stolen and you cannot lose - you are forever identified as a beautiful, beloved child of God.

Forever.

Drive Thru Baptism = Selfish

Clergy are asked to perform the ritual of baptism. These are high holy moments that most, if not all clergy, embrace and love. I do not pass up the opportunity to participate in a baptism of any kind except one. The Drive Thru Baptism.

The Drive Thru Baptism usually beings as a phone call to the church asking if the clergy will "baptize my child sometime. Having never met this person calling and this person having never entered into the community of the church we engage in a conversation about what baptism means. Frankly I am not one that believes baptism is "fire insurance" or that you have to be baptized to be "saved". (Because I think we are saved by Grace not by baptism, but that is another post.) What I do affirm is that in baptism the person being baptized is making promises/vows to be in relationship with God and with God's people. To serve God through the mission and ministry of a local church and that to make these vows without any intention to live them out in a faith community (to join a church) cheapens the ritual and promotes that baptism is less a religious act and more of a social rite of passage (like the wedding ceremony has become).

Ultimately, I see the Drive Thru Baptism - having a person baptized but never seeing that person again - is selfish. It is selfish to ask a community of faith for guidance, courage, support, help and grace but at the same time not provide any of those same things for any other in the community. It is like getting married and promising to love your spouse but as time goes by you don't show acts of love but expect your spouse to do so. 

So, no I will no baptize you or your child unless you are serious in living out your vows that you are making to live in community: to die to self, to live for others and to follow Christ. If you are more interested in getting your family together to have a party for a rite of passage, then might I suggest this is why we have birthdays, graduations, girl/boy scouts, and other social markers. 

Apparently I am not alone in my thoughts...